Chapter 53

'I have nearly reached my heaven'

01 Next morning, I prepared breakfast as usual for the household, and as Cathy and Hareton preferred taking theirs out of doors, I set a little table for their use. On re-entering, I found Mr Heathcliff downstairs. He and Joseph were talking about some farming business. He gave clear, exact directions concerning the matter discussed, but he spoke rapidly, and turned his head continually aside, and had the same excited expression as on the day before. When Joseph left the room, he took his usual seat, and I put coffee in front of him. He drew it nearer, and then rested his arms on the table and looked at the opposite wall, as I supposed, fixing his feverish eyes on one particular place with such eager interest that he stopped breathing for half a minute.

02 'Come, now,' I exclaimed, pushing some bread against his hand. 'Eat, and drink that, while it is still hot.'

03 He didn't notice me, and yet he smiled.

04 'Mr Heathcliff! Master!' I cried. 'Don't, I beg you, stare as if you saw a ghost!'

05 'Don't, I beg you, shout so loud,' he replied. 'Turn round, and tell me, are we by ourselves?'

06 'Of course.'

07 With a movement of his hand he made a space in front among the breakfast things, and leant forward to stare more at his ease.

08 Now, I saw, he was not looking at the wall. It seemed that he kept his eyes fixed on something within two yards distance. And whatever it was, it communicated, seemingly, both pleasure and pain, in extremes; at least the expression on his face suggested that idea. The fancied object was not fixed either. His eyes followed it with unwearying watchfulness, and even in speaking to me, were never turned away. I reminded him of his food, but in vain.

09 I sat, a model of patience, trying to attract his attention, till he became annoyed, and got up. He left the house, passed slowly down the garden path, and disappeared through the gate.

10 The hours crept by. Another evening came. I did not go to rest till late, and when I did, 1 couldn't sleep.

11 Heathcliff returned after midnight, and shut himself up in the sitting room. I listened, and after a time, dressed and came down.

12 I could hear Heathcliff's restless step up and down the room. The silence was frequently broken by a groan. He murmured single words also. The only one I could catch was the name of Catherine, joined with some wild word of love or suffering, and spoken as one would speak to a person present—low and earnest and torn from the depths of his soul.

13 I hadn't the courage to walk in, so I made a noise while attending to the kitchen fire. He opened the door immediately and said:

14 'Nelly, come here. Is it morning?'

15 'It is striking four,' I answered.

16 'Come and light me a fire.'

17 He wandered to and fro, breathing rapidly.

18 'When day breaks, I'll send for Green,' he said. 'I wish to make inquiries of him concerning some matters of law, while I can still act calmly. I have not made my will yet, and I cannot decide how to leave my property. I wish I could destroy it from the face of the earth!'

19 'I wouldn't talk so, Mr Heathcliff,' I said. 'Leave your will for a time. You'll live to regret your many unjust deeds yet! You're in a nervous state, and the way you've passed these three days would take anyone's strength away. Do take some food, and some rest.'

20 'You might as well urge a man struggling in the water to rest within arm's length of the shore! I must reach it first, and then I'll rest. Well, never mind Mr Green. As to my unjust deeds, I've done none, and I'm sorry for nothing. I'm too happy, and yet I'm not happy enough. My soul's happiness kills my body, but does not satisfy itself.'

21 'Happy, master?' I cried. 'If you would hear me without being angry, I might offer you some advice.'

22 'Give it.'

23 'You should know, Mr Heathcliff, that from the time you were about thirteen years old, you have led a selfish, irreligious life. Could it be harmful now to send for a priest to guide you, and help you to a change of heart?'

24 'I'm rather grateful than angry, Nelly, as you have reminded me of the manner in which I desire to be buried. It is to be carried to the churchyard in the evening, and to be laid by her side. You and Hareton may.follow my body, and mind, particularly, to notice that the grave-digger obeys my directions concerning the two coffins! No priest need come, nor need any prayer be said over my grave. I tell you, I have nearly reached my heaven.'

25 Hearing the other members of the household getting up, he rose and went to his own room.